Book

I have a big, enormous deadline to finish writing my book by 31st July. That's five days away so, quite rightly, I'm panicking like you can't believe.

Panic is subjective though. Some people respond very well to the panic and work very hard.

Others, like me, get paralyse by it and do even less than they're supposed to. So instead of writing, I doodle on Facebook, I do my laundry, I stare at my fish, I look up idiotic things online, I daydream about boys, do more laundry, dry the laundry, fold away the laundry etc. Writing this useless blog post is also a nice form of procrastination.

I like the book actually and when I do start writing it, I do really enjoy it. I just don't have the mettle to keep the momentum.

Okay, I think it's very important that I now go upstairs and have a shower. I'll come back to the writing after that. Really. I promise.

Parties

After a fun night out at Red Box last night, I decided I want to have a karaoke party for my birthday.

Then I started thinking about who I'd invite and it got so complicatd I think I may just give up on the whole idea.

See, there's the 20 liaisons, and the 12 KMP people. If you don't invite everyone, it not very nice. Then when you do invite them, everyone feels obliged to come even though some of them don't like karaoke and would much rather stay home.

Then there's ALL the other people out there that I want to invite, which brings the total up to about 60. And it's a bit ridiculous to have a karaoke party with 60 people because not everyone wants to sing and everyone ends up spending the whole night listening to only about two people singing bad songs.

Not such a good idea then, this karaoke thing.

I think I'll just get a giant cake and eat it all by myself.

Prayer

I'm a bit - well, rather a lot - in love with a boy whose name means Prayer.

Let's talk about him for awhile, just to be self-indulgent. There is this incredible purity about him. The first time I felt my heart get pins and needles for him was when I saw just how devoted he was to Rinpoche. I've seen so many people with amazing faith and believe in Rinpoche but not like this, not this way - he showed me what it would look like to live in a way that was totally surrendered to Dharma.

This is ironic, of course, because I'm in love with someone because of his very devotion to a path that teaches non-attachment and renunciation of worldly affectations.

But affairs of the heart must be complicated, mustn't they? There would be no fun - or corresponding pain - in them, otherwise.

The complications don't end there. Of course they don't. I would pick the most complicated of the lot. He may be straight (for a change) but that doesn't mean it's simple.

You see, now they're telling me that - despite all the purity and faith and incredible devotion - he's still got this one tinnnny attachment - his girlfriend (who, by the way, I had always thought was already an ex-girlfriend). Girlfriend! What girlfriend!

This is after the whole world has been trying to matchmake us, for months. Cruel really, to make someone feel all gooey and happy and stuff, and then tell them that errr, actually, he's not really available. Tease.

The other day, in the midst of conversation about fatness and thinness in general KB said in a not-so-subtle way, "Oh yah. Prayer's girlfriend is very thin."

I felt suddenly very conspicious about my flabby arms and my need to lose 10 pounds.

Then he said, "Prayer misses his girlfriend verrrrrry much."

I blinked *blink blink* and decided then to back off. You cannot compete with an (ex) girlfriend.

I went home, talked to my newly adopted stray cat and spent all night lamenting.

Writing and such stuf

I wonder sometimes if I'd actually get anywhere if I applied myself and bothered to update my blog properly and regularly. Each time I get back on it, I say to myself (and my readers), "This is it! This time shall be different and I shall be diligent about it!"

Which is rubbish of course because I fizz out after a week.

So I shan't make any promises now. I'll just write when I'm bothered, or when there's enough time in between Everything Else.

I am writing things for BuddhistChannel now and it's going very, very slowly. I wonder if maybe getting new laptop would help with the inspiration. It is good sometimes, I think, to be a bit superficial if it motivates you to get proper things done. I think a beautiful new macbook would help me write lots of lovely things.

And inspire the world.

And become Enlightened.

And bring peace to all beings.

I need a macbook. Yes I do.